A lesson learned… I wonder, is it at all possible to learn harsh lessons of our life? Indeed, in most spheres of human activity we can hope to take our previous mistakes into consideration and avoid them in the future. But concerning human feelings, is it right to blame ourselves if it turns out that we had made a mistake by sincerely investing a part of us into a wrong person who has lead us into the devastating emotional state? And can we avoid such mistakes in the future without becoming desensitized? Confusion over these questions constitutes the kaleidoscope of my memory of Kim, the relationship with whom ended with the shattering argument over one of the most important questions – what is the nature of commitment between man and woman?
How fitting was her glowing red pullover when she blazed up in response to my question about whether she had spent the Saturday`s night at the Chicago Blues Club and had left with Craig: “You better care about your own leisure as mine is definitely much cuter!” This phrase was the last one between us as a couple, and, truly, “care about your own whatever” is probably the epitome of the fundamental problem that any couple face in one way or another. I am even grateful to Kim for such an exact formulation. Despite the great time that we had together, this ending of our relationship was in no need of talk. Earlier, when we had petty quarrels words channeled negative emotions, but this time words suddenly turned into the irreversible verdict. I only could respond in my mind: “How funny, here we have two people who cannot in principle understand each other”. The realization of this killed in me all desire to engage into mutual accusations, and made me feel fully implicated in this unpleasant situation.
Now that time has passed, I of course remember well the emotional turmoil that accompanied me after our break-up. But while being perhaps less naive now, I am no longer too pessimistic. Yes, as I have said before, it is a daunting task to learn all lessons of our life because we tend to forget them. But if we manage to leave a trace of our emotional experiences, then probably we can overcome even arguments without the principal solution. Well, this is exactly what I have tried to do, and while I think that ordering of human emotions may dissolve the essence of human experience, I believe that it is necessary to turn our experiences into words that represent them as close as possible, so that we and others could relive them upon reading.
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